I grew up in an argumentative household. A Haitian mom who, like many of her Caribbean counterparts, thrived on a high quality heated exchange. A clear survival technique for anyone growing up in a poor island nation with strong social bonds but weak institutions.
Then add to the mix a brilliant sister turned litigator, and a dose of ADHD among all of us and you had a recipe for a household that never backed down from a fight.
Needless to say, I got comfortable taking a punch (the real and metaphorical kind), arguing my position and, most importantly, calming myself down and seeking proper reconciliation.
During these years my sister and I developed a good practice of writing each other apology letters after some of the most intense arguments. It was our way of expressing ourselves calmly and letting bygones be bygones. After reading each other’s letters we would never speak of the disagreement again and return to our typical sisterly love.
Since my sister passed three years ago and my mother has chilled TF out, I’m able to reflect on those years and appreciate that it was in the constant rupture and repair that we grew incredible close as a trio. Feelings were definitely hurt, and some arguments went on for longer than they should have (mostly because we got older and let our egos get in the way), but those moments were fundamental to the strong bonds we developed over the precious 40 years we all got to be on this earth together.
Those early years of conflict management training shaped how I developed as a leader, and they’re often the lens through which I evaluate the leadership skills of others. Not just the fighting part, either. Knowing how to rupture is only half of it. Knowing how to repair, the way my sister and I did with those letters, is the other half, and its typically not something we get coached on after childhood.
And while I’m still learning how to lead effectively in life and work, and always will be, after 20 years in professional leadership roles (and many more in volunteer roles), I can safely say that knowing how to instigate, facilitate and participate in productive conflict is what sets great leaders apart from the rest. And what I would say separates a leader from a manager.
There is no book you can read to learn this skill Prya Parker’s new book “The art of Fighting” is a good start) and reading this post will likely give you little to no value apart from awareness. Despite this, I still think it’s worth saying. And I want to say it because from what I can tell this skill is in decline and beginning to atrophy.
If we can’t figure out how to have an intense exchange without trigger warnings, overly identifying with our emotions and letting them get the best of us, throwing a tantrum and being vindictive, we will struggle to live up to our potential as individuals, teams and as a broader society.
Among the teams I’ve worked with and the founders I advise, many of them can barely handle the discomfort of a mildly heated exchange or awkward conversation. I see them regularly avoiding the necessary confrontation they need to get to the optimal solution. Instead they dance around the issue for months hoping things will naturally work themselves out. It never does. Either fight it out or fizzle out. But I promise you, the latter is far worse for your relationships and your business.
Why we’ve lost the art of fighting
The primary issues I think many people have with this are: nervous system regulation, inflexible egos and an inability to disassociate from their emotions in the moment.
If you can’t roll with the punches without getting defensive, cruel or vindictive, being an effective leader and building a high performing team will be hard, if not impossible.
My advice on how to train this skill: start picking some fights. But pick them on purpose. Not every disagreement is worth having, the ones worth picking are the ones where you’re genuinely unsure of the answer, or where staying quiet is already costing you something.
Push a few buttons on the more contentious issues you are curious about. Play devils advocate without telling the other parties that is what you are doing. Sit in the discomfort of being judged and ridiculed for your opinion. Witness what it looks like when the others in the argument can’t keep calm while you stay zen as a bird.
Like a workout regime, try to do these exercises at least once every few weeks: pick a fight, disassociate from your emotions, stay curious and open to the other person’s perspective despite the cruel way they may be delivering their message, and use language that builds bridges and demonstrates understanding as opposed to defensiveness and disconnection.
Once you can master your nervous system and stay as cool in these heated exchanges, then you can start facilitating productive conflict amongst a group.
Start practicing this yourself as a leader. Find some low stakes arguments to take up (ideally outside the family) and see what you learn about others and yourself in the process.
It’s all about the ruptire and repair
My mom and my sister taught me the rupture half of this a long time ago. It took losing my sister to really understand the repair half, and to see how much of my leadership is still built on those letters we used to write each other.
That’s the whole thing, really. Not whether you can avoid the fight. Whether you know how to have one and still know how to come back from it.
Vanessa, thanks for sharing this, and you're really hitting the nail on the head. I agree 100%. And the more you repeat a certain pattern, let's say avoiding discomfort, the more you will unconsciously do it. So awareness always comes first; sometimes the insight follows after a few attempts at awareness, sometimes immediately.